This just in:
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles honeymoon went without a hitch. That’s what they said, without a hitch. I guess they tied Camilla to a tree instead.
The latest trend is women who fake cell phone calls to avoid unwanted advances from men. And get this: the women who talk dirty to Bill O’Reilly and Pat O’Brien on their cell phones? Turns out they were faking their phone sex orgasms.
We best detect it, direct it, inspect it and check it before we wreck it up in here Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
No Shock Here
Paris Hilton has designed a line of jewelry for dogs. Paris said people admire her dog, Tinkerbell’s, style so it shouldn’t come as a shock that Paris is a big fan of doggie style.
Mais oui get down?
In France, two skiers were left dangling overnight on a frozen mountain when the ski staff turned off their chairlift and left them. The worst part? When they found them the next morning the resort charged them for that day’s ski pass.
Although tired, suffering from severe hypothermia and possible frostbite the two Parisians said, all things considered, it was still better than going to Euro Disney.
And you thought you got treated rudely in France?
The French ski staff said they were horribly embarrassed and ashamed. They thought the two skiers they abandoned on the lifts were Americans.
The two Parisians were left out in the windy mountain air overnight. And the amazing thing is that, the next day, they still stunk.
These sausage jokes are going to hurt you more than they hurt me, and they really hurt me
(I wasn’t kidding)
A driver in Britain suffered a broken nose after a frozen sausage was thrown through an open window of his car. The victim said it hurt, but that it was his pride that was knocked worst.
(OK, can someone make these stop, please?)
His insurance won’t cover the sausage injury and the police have no clues. Truly, in a situation like this, everybody loses, there simply are no wieners.
(There is simply no excuse for this)
The man said, to try and catch the driver that threw the sausages, he mustard all of his courage but his car couldn’t ketchup.
(Does the word shame ring any bells, Lex?)
The police suspect the frozen sausages were thrown by two known obnoxious, spoiled local youths. Apparently they are a couple of real Brats.
(That is enough)
At least he wasn’t hit with a Ballpark Frank, because, as you know, you can throw a frank furter.
Wrong kind of cheating
A Pennsylvania principal was charged with helping his students cheat on a test to improve their scores. That’s horrible. Teachers and administrators should not interfere with students unless, of course, they’re having sex with them.
He’ll be back
Maria Shriver revealed that Arnold Schwarzenegger burns their kids clothes if they leave them lying around. Arnold runs around frantically picking things up off the floor and tosses them right in the fire. Tragically, this led to grief for their pet cat Buffy.
Why is that?
In Chicago, hundreds are flocking to an image of the Virgin Mary under a highway underpass. Have you noticed these religious images always pop up on lower profile items, like tortillas, grilled cheese sandwiches and underpasses? You never hear; “It’s a miracle, an image of the Virgin Mary popped up on Donald Trump’s comb-over.”
The Eagles, sports and really, really bad jokes all combined. Is this a great country or what?
At an Eagles concert in Los Angeles, singer/guitarist Joe Walsh actually changed the lyrics on “Life’s Been Good” to:
I have a limo
Ride in the back
I watch the Lakers
They stink without Shaq
Why stop there? Look for the Eagles next Laker song;
Welcome to the Hotel California
You can have room service here
As long as Kobe Bryant ain’t near
And look for the rest of the basketball updated Eagles songs:
“Life in the Pass Lane”, “Wasted Time-Out” “Peaceful Easy Stealing” “Doolin Dunkin” “Seven Bridges Road Trip” and “The Long Gun”
Attention all Gay Insurance brokers
Connecticut has passed gay marriages. So, as far as gay couples are concerned, they can now put the connect in Connecticut.
Nowhere close
The world is getting to know Pope Benedict. In a related story, I am still nowhere close to making a halfway decent Pope Benedict/Eggs Benedict joke connection.
I’m not positive on this one
The Taliban has launched a pirate radio station in Afghanistan. I think it’s called Air “Death to” America.
Since you asked:
Since you asked:
Well the talking dog, the Wrigger Digger, almost did it. He almost did himself in.
Wrigley was acting funny – and believe me, for the Big Wrig, that is saying something. He wasn’t his old self. He didn’t want to pester Kasey for one of the scariest things. Then he would yelp and I mean but loud for no reason.
Yesterday early morning he yelped so much I grabbed him and took him to the emergency room at the Helen Woodward Animal Center. After a quick once over, they said he wasn’t critical and to just take him to his Vet.
Eight hours, ten X-rays, five blood tests and $400 later, guess what was wrong? Wrigley had eaten himself to the hilt. The day before he got into the house for a long time without being discovered after the back French doors blew open. He must have gotten into his food because, on the X-Rays, this dog was stuffed from his back teeth to his tail with food, huge gas bubbles and you-know-what. He was a walking white furry loaded Poop cannon all set to explode. If they had found him in Iraq he would have qualified as a weapon of mass destruction.
He’s back to his old self today, and, as much as I find it hard to believe I am admitting it, that is good.
Meanwhile, poor Kasey just sits there with a veritable doggy halo over her little worried head.
