Tell me we did not just go there, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Born to Shuffle
Bruce Springsteen has a new album out. You can tell Bruce is getting older. His concerts end early so he can make it to the Dennys early bird special.

Bruce is getting older. His tour bus turn signal is always blinking on.

Bruce is getting up there. Did you know his song “Born in The USA” was originally titled: “Born In the Continental Congress”?

Good luck, Lady
The prosecution in the Michael Jackson trial may have Michael’s ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, testify about Michael’s sexuality. They cannot, however, question their two children: Turkey and Baster.

His ex-wife is going to testify about Michael Jackson’s sexuality? Why not have her testify about life on Pluto because she’s never seen that either.

Why? Why so mean, I love the Stones
The Rolling Stones are on tour. You can tell the Stones are getting old. Now when their concert goers flick a lighter it’s to get rid of that old man smell.

Speaking of Queens
Elton John is going to marry his long time life partner. He figures if Prince Charles can marry a guy, he can too.

Not clear on the concept
President Bush had an embarrassing moment at a breakfast restaurant. He looked at the menu and said; “Wow, he’s only been Pope Benedict for a week and already they named eggs after him.”

That explains it
According to the NAACP, the death penalty is at an all time low; experts feel there are two factors for this: A, exonerations of those sentenced due to DNA evidence and, B, the fact that George W. Bush is no longer a governor.

The rats are abandoning
Another lawyer, Brian Oxman, left the Michael Jackson defense team; lawyers are leaving Jackson? Michael must be broke. If paid enough, lawyers would have stayed on the Titanic and claimed it was just getting humid.

Pink is the new pink
Retailers say many more men are wearing pink this year. It’s true, I can name three famous Englishmen who are wearing pink: Elton John, Boy George and Camilla Parker Bowles.

That’s a surprise
Kobe Bryant paid $50,000 to renew his marriage vows with his wife Vanessa. Afterwards Kobe said their marriage was great, they’ve never been happier and but then he traded Vanessa to the Miami Heat.

The Los Angeles Lakers are trying to get Phil Jackson back as a coach. It won’t be easy, Kobe Bryant tears through coaches like Michael Jackson tears through a pair of Garanimals.


Good job, George
President Bush met with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. You can tell Bush is working hard to get oil prices down, during dinner Bush didn’t make one turban/tablecloth joke.

Don’t bend over without it
Mastercard has a Clay Aiken Mastercard. Unfortunately the Clay Aiken card is only accepted at Ikea, Pier One, the Pottery Barn and every single gay bar in the world.

Murphy’s Law
The San Diego Mayor, Dick Murphy, resigned from office because he wasn’t doing a good job. Upon hearing this, our entire Congress asked; “You can do that?”

If everybody quit just because they weren’t good at their job there wouldn’t be any more New York Mets games.

Murphy can’t resign because he’s bad at his job, that’s un-American; every McDonalds in the world would be empty.

What did they expect? The guy’s named after Murphy’s law.

P.C. at P.E.
A lot of schools have banned dodge ball from P.E. Forget that, you know what kids game they need to ban? Musical chairs. Every kid but one is a loser. Why not just play “Mommy and Daddy Lost You In a Crowd And You’ll Never, Ever, See Them Again” and put them in therapy for life?
Give us this day or Daly’s bread
John Daly finished second at the Houston Open after losing a playoff to Vijay Singh. This was good finish for Daly and a bad day for believers in the “Golfers Are Athletes” argument.

Daly is fifty pounds overweight, chain smokes, swigs sugary soda pop during his rounds.
Daly has to be the only guy whose four rounds of golf total score is lower than his cholesterol.

This just in:
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles honeymoon went without a hitch. That’s what they said, without a hitch. I guess they tied Camilla to a tree instead.

The latest trend is women who fake cell phone calls to avoid unwanted advances from men. And get this: the women who talk dirty to Bill O’Reilly and Pat O’Brien on their cell phones? Turns out they were faking their phone sex orgasms.



We best detect it, direct it, inspect it and check it before we wreck it up in here Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


No Shock Here
Paris Hilton has designed a line of jewelry for dogs. Paris said people admire her dog, Tinkerbell’s, style so it shouldn’t come as a shock that Paris is a big fan of doggie style.

Mais oui get down?
In France, two skiers were left dangling overnight on a frozen mountain when the ski staff turned off their chairlift and left them. The worst part? When they found them the next morning the resort charged them for that day’s ski pass.

Although tired, suffering from severe hypothermia and possible frostbite the two Parisians said, all things considered, it was still better than going to Euro Disney.

And you thought you got treated rudely in France?

The French ski staff said they were horribly embarrassed and ashamed. They thought the two skiers they abandoned on the lifts were Americans.

The two Parisians were left out in the windy mountain air overnight. And the amazing thing is that, the next day, they still stunk.

These sausage jokes are going to hurt you more than they hurt me, and they really hurt me

(I wasn’t kidding)
A driver in Britain suffered a broken nose after a frozen sausage was thrown through an open window of his car. The victim said it hurt, but that it was his pride that was knocked worst.

(OK, can someone make these stop, please?)
His insurance won’t cover the sausage injury and the police have no clues. Truly, in a situation like this, everybody loses, there simply are no wieners.

(There is simply no excuse for this)
The man said, to try and catch the driver that threw the sausages, he mustard all of his courage but his car couldn’t ketchup.

(Does the word shame ring any bells, Lex?)
The police suspect the frozen sausages were thrown by two known obnoxious, spoiled local youths. Apparently they are a couple of real Brats.

(That is enough)
At least he wasn’t hit with a Ballpark Frank, because, as you know, you can throw a frank furter.

Wrong kind of cheating
A Pennsylvania principal was charged with helping his students cheat on a test to improve their scores. That’s horrible. Teachers and administrators should not interfere with students unless, of course, they’re having sex with them.

He’ll be back
Maria Shriver revealed that Arnold Schwarzenegger burns their kids clothes if they leave them lying around. Arnold runs around frantically picking things up off the floor and tosses them right in the fire. Tragically, this led to grief for their pet cat Buffy.

Why is that?
In Chicago, hundreds are flocking to an image of the Virgin Mary under a highway underpass. Have you noticed these religious images always pop up on lower profile items, like tortillas, grilled cheese sandwiches and underpasses? You never hear; “It’s a miracle, an image of the Virgin Mary popped up on Donald Trump’s comb-over.”


The Eagles, sports and really, really bad jokes all combined. Is this a great country or what?
At an Eagles concert in Los Angeles, singer/guitarist Joe Walsh actually changed the lyrics on “Life’s Been Good” to:

I have a limo
Ride in the back
I watch the Lakers
They stink without Shaq

Why stop there? Look for the Eagles next Laker song;

Welcome to the Hotel California
You can have room service here
As long as Kobe Bryant ain’t near


And look for the rest of the basketball updated Eagles songs:

“Life in the Pass Lane”, “Wasted Time-Out” “Peaceful Easy Stealing” “Doolin Dunkin” “Seven Bridges Road Trip” and “The Long Gun”

Attention all Gay Insurance brokers
Connecticut has passed gay marriages. So, as far as gay couples are concerned, they can now put the connect in Connecticut.

Nowhere close
The world is getting to know Pope Benedict. In a related story, I am still nowhere close to making a halfway decent Pope Benedict/Eggs Benedict joke connection.

I’m not positive on this one
The Taliban has launched a pirate radio station in Afghanistan. I think it’s called Air “Death to” America.

Since you asked:

Since you asked:

Well the talking dog, the Wrigger Digger, almost did it. He almost did himself in.

Wrigley was acting funny – and believe me, for the Big Wrig, that is saying something. He wasn’t his old self. He didn’t want to pester Kasey for one of the scariest things. Then he would yelp and I mean but loud for no reason.

Yesterday early morning he yelped so much I grabbed him and took him to the emergency room at the Helen Woodward Animal Center. After a quick once over, they said he wasn’t critical and to just take him to his Vet.

Eight hours, ten X-rays, five blood tests and $400 later, guess what was wrong? Wrigley had eaten himself to the hilt. The day before he got into the house for a long time without being discovered after the back French doors blew open. He must have gotten into his food because, on the X-Rays, this dog was stuffed from his back teeth to his tail with food, huge gas bubbles and you-know-what. He was a walking white furry loaded Poop cannon all set to explode. If they had found him in Iraq he would have qualified as a weapon of mass destruction.

He’s back to his old self today, and, as much as I find it hard to believe I am admitting it, that is good.

Meanwhile, poor Kasey just sits there with a veritable doggy halo over her little worried head.

AND THAT, TORN SLATTERNS AND NUGGET RANCHERS, IS HOW THE VATICAN PLAYS:LET'S SNUB LEX LIKE HE'S A REALLY UGLY CHOIRBOYTHEY CAN TAKE THEIR WHITE SMOKE AND . . .

We got us the funk rubbed up on us in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget RanchersNot good, no

According to witnesses, the testimony of the mother of Michael Jackson’s accuser isn’t going well; the more she talks the worse she sounds. In fact, if she damages their case any more, the prosecution is going to hire Robert Blake to shoot her.

Pope smoke
The way it worked at the Vatican is when they emitted black smoke they hadn’t picked a Pope; but when they emitted white smoke, they’d picked a Pope. But if they had emitted purple lavender-scented smoke, then that means they picked Ryan Seacrest as Pope.

And if the smoke had come out black and then slowly turned white, then that means that they had picked Michael Jackson as Pope.

The Cardinals picked Joseph Ratzinger as the new Pope. He has taken the name Benedict XVI, or as President Bush now calls him, ol’ Benny the Ex Vee Eye.

When informed of Benedict XVI, President Bush said, “What kind of last name is Zah-vee-eye?”

When asked to comment about Benedict XVI, President Bush said; “Well, I just hope he is more loyal than his ancestor, Benedict Arnold.”

The Cardinals picked Joseph Ratzinger as the new Pope. Wow, that’s impressive, from playing Cliff Claven on “Cheers” to being Pope. That’s quite an improvement.

The Vatican couldn’t seem to pick a Pope. Either that or they desperately needed to get someone to clean their chimney.

We knew that the Vatican had picked a Pope when the smoke went from black to white. It’s the same system Tito Jackson uses on when to change the oil in his ’68 Volkswagon van.

I have to get this, then I'll get that
A survey reveals that 19% of people will answer their cell phone during sex. What guys hate is when a woman answers her e-mails and sends a fax during sex.

A survey reveals that 19% of people will answer their cell phone during sex. That number, however, goes way down for women if their phone is set on vibrate. They’ll let it ring.

"Sesame Street" it ain't
Have you heard of “The Puppetry of the Penis?” Two Australian guys tour sold out shows making images by manipulating their genitals. Here’s my question: How bored do you have to be to come up with penis puppets? Buy a Yo Yo for heavens sake. Do the crossword puzzle.

Really, these guys make puppets out of their genitals. This is not a good first date, guys. “Wow, how about that guy who made the elephant, wasn’t that something?”

It a good thing . . . she's on radio
Martha Stewart has a deal with Sirius satellite radio. Martha will discuss cooking tips, gardening secrets, decorating ideas and how she shiv’d that bitch that squealed to the guards about her stash.

Radio might be a better way to go then television for Martha. This way she can’t scare people off with her prison dragon neck tattoo.

Since you asked:
Our youngest dog, Wrigley, thinks he can talk.No, I’m not one of those whackos who really thinks their dog talks, I’m saying Wrigley thinks he can talk. He makes these hilarious sounds when he is excited or frustrated that I am convinced he thinks imitates us talking. It’s like when a little kid says; “Wang ching whah chew hoy” and they think they are really talking in Chinese. Wrigley sounds more like “The Jetsons” Astro except without the correct pronunciation.

Harmless Guilty Pleasure:
In addition to Amy Sedaris, I have a new harmless guilty pleasure: Sarah Vowell. She is a writer who speaks on public radio’s “This American Life” and is also the teenage girl voice, Violet, in the Disney cartoon “The Incredibles.” Very funny woman. Witty. Self deprecating. Smart. Her voice sounds like a six-year-old book worm.Sarah is currently touring the talk shows promoting her book “The Assassination Vacation.” I am getting that on CD for my upcoming Santa Barbara drive. If my wheel doesn’t almost come off, like last time, it should be a nice drive.

Sarah and Conan O’Brien are hilarious together because they share the same interests. He is the voice of Todd Lincoln on her book’s CD. O’Brien asks her to explain how she connects the President Garfield assassination to Fox’s show “The O.C.” She says “Well, I think it is self-explanatory, but. . .”And then she does it.With Letterman she described the President Garfield assassin as such a loser he was the only guy living in a free sex commune who couldn’t get laid.Wouldn’t that suck to be shot by a huge loser? It would be bad enough to be shot by a cool guy. At least Lincoln got shot by an actor the Laaaadies loved.

Like I’ve Said Before
As I have mentioned, this blog is sort of like picking your nose in your car: you tend to forget other people can see it.Called my buddy yesterday, his nice, sweet, little pre-teenage daughter – and regular a.L.b.B reader - answered and said;“Hello, D*ckhead.”Not to change topics, but . . .You know what I would love? To be so successful at something I could be a grump all the time, like Russell Crowe. Just read where Russell Crowe broke up with his band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, through the newspaper. He has played with these guys for 12 years, toured the world and, like that, breaks up with them in a newspaper article. Asked if they were surprised, his band mates said, no, it was typical for him.

I send ten apology e-mails when I can’t make a band’s rehearsal.

It probably wouldn’t be the best career move to be a really grumpy comedy writer, but it would be fun all the same. That’s what I love the most about not working in an office all the time. I don’t have to give a cheerful hello to someone I don’t particularly like ten times a day every time I pass them in the hall.You wouldn’t believe the work I used to put into saying hello differently. Hi. How’s she goin’? Howdy. How are you? What’s up? Hey. Hey there. What’s happening? Yo.

Sometimes I even made that gitty-up clicky-click noise along with a pistol- finger-point and it doesn’t get any more annoying then that.You know, a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse. Oh my.(Polite applause)My favorite annoying office hello? There you are. What the hell does that mean? There you are? Of course they’re there. Where else would they be? If they weren’t you wouldn’t be able to talk to them.Seriously, I’m going to have to start charging for this stuff.

What we might be up in here is a wee bit “tetched” with the fever, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
Oops, he did it again . . .
Britney Spears has announced she is pregnant. Out of habit, her husband, Kevin Federline, denied that the child was his.

Well, at least that’s something
Authorities suspect the Wendy’s chili finger may be connected to someone who lost the tip of their finger to a leopard bite in Las Vegas. The good news is that Siegfreid can now give Roy his finger tip back.

Poor Jimmy
A new study from Canada revealed that parents treat their talented kids better than their less gifted children. This explains why there aren’t a lot of people praying to Jesus’s younger brother, Jimmy Christ.

Not very P.C.
The conclave is deciding who to pick as Pope. There has been some talk that they may pick somebody from Asia. The problem with that is the insurance premiums on the Pope mobile would skyrocket.

You would hate to see that
Chicago Cubs manager Dusty Baker, a deeply spiritual man, rubs holy water on player’s injuries. You can tell Baker is very religious, he’s been praying that none of the players hurts their groin.

Irony Mike Tyson
Iron Mike Tyson has announced he will return to the ring on June 11 to face tomato can Kevin McBride. The reason Iron Mike wants to return to boxing? Tyson is $38 million in debt. Tyson is so broke he had to change his name from Iron Mike to Scrap Metal Mike.

Hey, this is my side of the street walking
Producers of “The Simple Life” are looking for a new co-star for Paris Hilton to replace Nicole Richey. Apparently the two don’t get along anymore. Paris feels Nicole is hording in on her skankiness.

Different
“American Idol” Ryan Seacrest is getting a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. And he is going to be honored at Grauman’s Chinese Theater, but instead of imprinting his hands and feet in the cement, Seacrest will imprint his knees and lips.

In addition Seacrest’s star will feature a picture of a closed closet door.

Jacko ain’t the only Whacko
Witnesses to the Michael Jackson trial seem to question the accuser’s mother’s credibility. For example, there was the time she tried to sue Jackson claiming to have found a finger in a bowl of the Neverland chili.

At the Michael Jackson trial, the accuser’s mother says she was told her performance in a video was unacceptable because she didn’t say Jackson cured her son of cancer. Seriously, who’s going to believe Jackson can cure cancer when he can’t even re-grow his own damn nose?

Since you asked:
The start of the most boring conversation in the world? “I had the weirdest dream last night.”

Anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night. It might be the fever talking.

I’d been temporarily hired for a writing project that took me to this wild somewhere-in-Central-Coastal California town that had been specifically built for entertainment folk. It was quirky beyond words, a sort of Bohemian, Spanish, funky, circus-like functioning art colony/commune where performers, writers, musicians, painters, actors, directors all worked, lived and played together to inspire and support each other in the hopes of creating something great. You could practically smell the oil paint, Paella, red wine, green tea and the desperation of insecure egomaniacs. And the Vodka. You could really smell the Vodka.

The standing rule of this nutty berg was that the big shots helped the struggling artists, either by giving them advice, a job break or by paying bar and restaurant tabs. It was funny in that, just as you’d expect from human nature, the struggling artists were dying to appear as big shots and the big shots were dying to be as conspicuous as possible.

As I was pretty much an outsider, it was an interesting glimpse into the high adrenaline, and over-the-top drama of the lives of creative people who live from project to project in the; “What have you done for us lately?” world of art and entertainment.At one point in the dream I was talking to Sheryl Crow. She seemed really nice. Of course, I could tell she dug me. And, to my wild excitement, I discovered the project I was working on turned out to be connected to none other than David Letterman his own bad self. (Although I saw the big guy off in the distance in a crowd, I couldn’t seem to get to him. I wanted to ask him for a leather “Pants” jacket)

That’s when things started to fall apart, as they will do sometimes in dreams. My excitement in writing for Letterman sent me scurrying to the phone to tell my parents. Then I suddenly remembered that my parents were no longer alive. Then I found out I was not writing for Letterman’s show, but for some low-priority pilot that was on the backburner of Dave’s production company “World Wide Pants” and that the pilot was more than likely to be dropped.

At the current rate, the dream was about to descend into the “I have a final exam but I can’t find my drawers” status when I decided to take the reins, sit back and enjoy the eclectic carnival atmosphere. Not shockingly, I headed to the nearest Topas bar. Guess who was there? My girl, Sheryl Crow.

That’s when I woke up.

My lovely wife, Virginia, had let our craziest of the two Labradors, Wrigley, out of his crate and the big Wrig promptly jumped up on the bed landing directly on my crotch.

One minute you’re eating shrimp with Sheryl Crow, the next a dog jumps on the boys.

Welcome back to the real world, Lex. Welcome back to the real world.

And still no messages from the Vatican.

(Polite applause)

This just in:
Former world heavyweight champion Mike Tyson announced he will return to the ring on June 11 to face tomato can Kevin McBride.

The reason Iron Mike wants to return to boxing? Tyson heard all of the Wendy’s finger chili jokes and, well, it made him hungry for an ear.Why is Tyson boxing again? You guessed it, he’s flat broke.

Tyson is so broke, to make ends meet, he’s been polishing the coffin that Don King sleeps in during the day.

What’s the dealio, my frizzles, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Sort of like thatCardinal Bernard Law, who failed to stop sexually abusive priests, led a Mass for thousands mourning Pope John Paul II. Isn’t that like hiring Michael Jackson to entertain at a Chuckie Cheese?

That would explain it
In Nevada, a special education teacher was arrested for suspicion of flashing her breasts to students and possessing marijuana. This does, however, explain why the boys overwhelmingly voted her “Teacher of the Year.”

Hate to see that
At the Los Angeles Lakers 1985 championship reunion, Magic Johnson said his old team could beat the current Lakers despite their age; upon hearing this, Kobe Bryant had Magic traded to the Miami Heat.When he heard about what Magic said, Kobe Bryant got so mad he almost fell of his room service waitress.

Yeah, right
Pfizer, the company that makes Viagra, reported that profits went down 6% last year. Pfizer nervously explained the reason that profits were down was that they were tired, anxious and had too much to drink.

Premise from Janice Hough
The Beverley Hills Teddy Bear Co. is producing a talking Jesus doll. I bought one, pulled the string, and the Jesus doll said; “Why the hell did they take so long to bury the Pope?”

Good news, bad news
A State Department official said that Bush nominated U.N. Ambassador, John Bolton, was “An 800 pound gorilla” who abused his power and bullied underlings. The bad news for Bolton is that this could kill his nomination. The good news is that Martha Stewart has now fallen madly in love with him.

Since you asked:
The worst thing is a snob, but a close second to a snob is a hypocrite, and the only thing besides a snob that is worse than a hypocrite is when it turns out you are, in fact, that very hypocrite.

When it comes to responding to e-mails, I am officially the biggest hypocrite on the planet. No matter how necessary the response, I can casually sit on an e-mail for weeks, only responding when I am good and ready, thank you. And I actually get peeved when somebody sends me a whining e-mail asking why I haven’t responded. I haven’t responded because I haven’t responded, OK? Sheesh. Back off, Slappy.

But, oh Lordy, no sooner than I let go of the mouse button to send an e-mail, I expect a response back but now and fast. One minute is too long to respond back. And then do I start sending the whiny e-mails complaining like a little bee-yatch that they haven’t sent me anything.No lie, I will actually sit there hitting the send/recv button until I land a returned e-mail like a flopping trout from an Eastern Sierra icy stream.

Pathetic.

Send me an e-mail and I’ll prove it. But when I finally do respond? Oh, brother, you had better send it right back to me. Or there will be whining in your future. Oh, yes, my friend, there will be whining in your future.(Polite golf-like applause)

lexkase@san.rr.com

Labrador update:OK, we’ve known all along that Kasey is a smart dog. Very alert, very quick, very easy to train. Sure, she is a shameless food scrounge, but she is smart. Wrigley? Not so much. But get this: Wrigley may be a lot smarter than we give him credit.

What has the big Wrig, the diesel weasel, Wrigger the digger, the confused looking hound beast been up to? When I let him in each night after I feed him, if I’m sitting on the floor back against the couch watching the TiVo’d Cubs, as I was last night, Wrigley will casually stroll by and try - or succeed - at stepping right on my, well, crotch. It is his all-too-unsubtle way of reminding me he is still not happy about the unfortunate procedure I once put him through.Let it go, Wrigley, the boys are as gone as the old west. Did you know that Mrs. Fields named a chocolate chip cookie after ol' Wrigley? Semi-sweet, no nuts.

Badabingbadabeepbaddaboopbadoop.

The Vatican has not calledI don’t mean to be a pessimist, but I think it’s important to be somewhat of a realist. So, I just have to face it, I don’t think they are going to pick me as the next Pope. No, I know what you’re going to say, it’s still early, and don’t give up, and I’d make a great Pope, other than not being Catholic and being married, but that is exactly why I think they should choose me.

Think about it. Last time they went with devoted, brilliant, Catholic, workaholic, sainted wonderful, nearly perfect man who was celibate. Now they should go in another direction, and it doesn’t go more in the other direction than me.And I would pick a cool name like Pope Rope-a-Dope, or Pope Liquid Soap, or Pope "Ain’t no" Dope. That last one would be my Rapper Pope name.But enough lobbying. If they pick me they pick me, if they don’t well, I will have to turn the dirty black beast Cherokee back into a Jeep from the converted Pope mobile. I sure hope that tailor will take back those robes and the big-ass hat I had made. That is one big-ass Pope hat, let me tell you . . .

It’s too bad. My yellow labs Kasey and Wrigley looked really cute in their big, pointy dog Pope hats.Let’s just imagine, for a second, that, despite all odds, they picked the biggest jerk from your high class school as the Pope? Pope Judd Edwards. That would make the next reunion interesting.“Oh, they named you a senior partner? Wow. Well they named me Pope, lawyer boy. Now run off and get your pontiff another scotch and soda. Capice?”

It would make it hard to hit on the ladies as Pope.

“Wow, Susie, you’ve been working out. Say, um, this party is dying. Let’s say I take you for a spin in the Pope Mobile. What? Oh, that. Listen, between you and me, that whole celibacy-thing is kind of a P.R. stance. Let’s just say, between you and me, well, when this basilica’s rockin’ don’t bother knocking. Susie? Hey, come back . . .”It's official, I'm going to H E double hockey sticks.

Oh yes, we back. Oh, we backer than a mofizzle my sistizzles and brothizzles, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The ol' Golden Bear
Well, it was an emotional weekend for the aging, lumbering Golden Bear. But enough about Camilla Parker Bowles, golf-legend Jack Nicklaus retired from the Masters.

Why? Why so mean? No need. No need. Bad Lexter
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles honeymooned in the Scotland highlands. Prince Charles didn’t want to honeymoon at the beach; he was afraid the cats might bury Camilla in the sand.

Hate to see that. Get it? See that? Oh, I kill me . . .
The winner of Wisconsin’s Ms. Wheel chair lost her title because a newspaper photo shows her standing up. That’s not all, Ms. Blind Wisconsin was caught watching an old “Hee Haw” rerun.

Point of clarification
Last weekend, the Pope was buried and Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles were wed. In case you were flipping channels back and forth and got confused, the Pope was the one that wasn’t moving.

You know what they call the morning after Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles’s honeymoon? “Dawn of the Living Dead.”

Did you know what they call the honeymoon video of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles? “CSI: Windsor.”

Montanans Advocating Drunk Driving
Montana just passed a ban on drinking and driving. The Montana house passed the ban on drinking and driving 76-21. The 21 didn’t mean to vote against it, but they were really drunk at the time.

Sweet revenge
A North Carolina man was sentenced to nine years in prison for junk e-mail spamming. Once he gets to prison, boy, is he going to be sorry he pushed those penis enlargement and Viagra pills.

Wendy’s gone digital
That California woman who claimed to find a finger in her Wendy’s chili turns out to have a history of frivolous law suits. Wendy’s executives suspected this woman was a phony, but they just couldn’t put their finger on it.

They did a DNA test on the Wendy’s chili finger and guess what? It belongs to Ted Williams.

This Wendy’s finger chili scandal has gotten out of hand. Today Mike Tyson went to Wendy’s and ordered a bowl of ear chowder.

Buy me some steroids and growth hormone, I don’t care if my nuts turn to stone
Baseball has started sans steroids. Now if you want dangerous, unhealthy chemicals at a baseball game you’ll have to get them the old fashioned way: in the hotdogs.

They are serious about the baseball steroid ban. At a game, I went to get a hotdog and it wasn’t any bigger than a tiny cocktail wiener.

You can tell the steroid ban is working in baseball; all the players need smaller hats and bigger cups.

Where do I get this stuff?
Interest in the U.S. over the Prince Charles/Camilla Parker Bowels wedding was low. Some cite the fact she isn’t royalty, some disapprove because she was his mistress, others cite the fact that the couple looks like two retired professional bowlers in drag.

Golf dirt
In two of Masters green jacket ceremonies, Tiger Woods refused to acknowledge last year’s winner Phil Mickelson. Their relationship soured when Tiger learned Phil planned to hire a hit man to whack Tiger’s knee.

The main difference between Tiger Woods’s winning Masters putt and last year’s winner Phil Mickelson’s winning putt? Tiger jumped higher than Phil did, and Tiger didn’t even jump.

She put the special in special ed
In Nevada, a special education teacher was arrested for suspicion of flashing her breasts to students and possessing marijuana. A female teacher who flashes and smokes pot? Now that's what I call special education.

Several students complained that she flashed her breasts. You know what you call a male student that complains when a teacher flashes her breasts? A drama major.

Me included
Anna Nicole Smith is a writer for “The National Enquirer.” Repeat, Anna Nicole Smith is getting paid by a national magazine for writing a column. In a related story, 140,000 aspiring writers have now been put on suicide watch.

Back to golf dirt
In an article about the spats and cliques in golf between top players Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods and Vijay Singh, “Time” magazine said the P.G.A. was like a school lunch room on tour. So, apparently the PGA also has hair in their meatloaf.

How . . . snowy . . . was it?
Colorado got hit by a blizzard. To give you an idea how bad it is, in Boulder, it is so snowy the police have an excuse for not solving any crimes.

Get your weekend on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A dog by any other name
A Chinese man has trained his dog to walk on his hind legs for five miles. Or as they call that dog in China: A Moveable Feast.

Cuddle up
At the Michael Jackson trial, a flight attendant was asked if she saw Michael Jackson cuddling his accuser on a private plane; she said; “That depends on your definition of cuddling.” You know what the guy definition of cuddling is? The three split seconds after sex and before sleep.

That proves it. Now we know Michael Jackson isn’t a male anymore: He likes to cuddle.

And they caught Miss Deaf Wisconsin with an iPod
The winner of Wisconsin’s Ms. Wheel chair lost her title because a newspaper photo shows her standing up. You think she’s upset about losing her title? Wait until you see all her retroactive tickets for parking in the handicap spot.

Cluck and pluck
Sadly, chicken magnate Frank Perdue passed away. That’s too bad. This guy could really cut up a chicken. Why, it was poultry in motion.

Insult to injury
At a speech in Michigan, right winger Pat Buchanon was doused with salad dressing. You know what really upset the pro-military hawkish Buchanon? It was French dressing.

Use your imagination
The search is on for the owner of the missing Wendy’s chili finger. You know whose finger I think it is? (Picture of Homer Simpson and his four finger’d hand)

How do you not know if you lost a finger? Is there some Wendy employing wondering; “Why is it I can clip my fingernails so quickly lately? Oh my word, I just noticed, I’m missing a finger.”

The worst kind of shrinkage
A disgruntled former employee is accusing Lance Armstrong of using steroids. Maybe it’s just me, but if I only had one testicle left, the last thing I would take is something that would shrink it.

You know it’s just your foolish pride (Courtesy of Janice Hough)

Guitar legend Eric Clapton turned 60 this week. You can tell Eric is getting older, now when he plays Layla he sings; “Layla, you got me on my knees . . . and I can’t get up.”

Guitar legend Eric Clapton turned 60 this week. You can tell Eric is getting older. Now he sings, “I shot the sheriff . . . or was it the deputy? I can’t seem to remember.”

Not very Fonda her
Jane Fonda told “Sixty Minutes” that she had participated in threesomes in her first marriage. That’s nothing. When she went to Hanoi in 1972, she screwed over 100,000 U.S. soldiers.

A sure sign
“Sixty Minutes” claims Carolina Panther punter Todd Sauerbrun used steroids. They became suspicious when it was discovered that Sauerbrun’s kicking foot was as big as Barry Bonds’s head.

Who knew?
Ted Koppel announced he will retire as the host of “Nightline.” I am shocked. Koppel is still on “Nightline”?

That’ a lot of dogs
A survey reveals that 56% of women say they are more affectionate with their pets than their partner. This explains why Christine Aguilera has gone through more dogs than a Korean deli.

It just gets worse
More trouble for Wendy’s. You know that finger they found in the chili? It tested positive for steroids.