We all finer than a diner in Carolina up in this hizzouse, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Wax on, Paris off
In the movie “House of Wax” Paris Hilton’s character gets murdered with a spike through her head. Initially Nicole Richey fought to play the role of the spike.

In the movie “House of Wax” Paris Hilton’s character gets murdered with a spike right through her head. Now that’s what I call hot.

In real life a spike in her head wouldn’t kill Paris Hilton. To kill Paris Hilton you’d have to take her credit cards away.

He was seen later in a hotel room smoking crack with Marion Berry
Hard core outspoken anti-gay Spokane mayor James West was caught trying to lure men in a gay chat room. It would seem West’s motto is: Do what I say, not who I do.

When confronted, James was so embarrassed he was downright Magenta-faced.

West tried to cover for himself saying; “I personally resolve to find and get rid of every gay man even if I have to do it one sexy stud muffin at a time.”

Giambi gambit
In Oakland a fan tried to throw a beer at Jason Giambi. But, like Giambi, the fan couldn’t hit anything either.

Giambi was actually relieved when the fan threw a beer at him. Finally he hit something.

Janet Jacksister

Janet Jackson turned 39 this week. She’s getting up there. Now the only time Janet flashes her breast is to cool off during a hot flash.


Janet is getting up there. I can remember when she was just known as Michael Jackson’s younger sister. No Michael is known as Janet’s older sister.

Janet is getting up there. Remember those Super Bowl nipple rings? Now they double as belt jewelry.


Trouble in paradise
British tabloids say Camilla Parker Bowles has barred Prince Charles from the bedroom. That or Prince Charles had to put a bar in the bedroom. It’s one of those.

British tabloids say Camilla Parker Bowles has barred Prince Charles from the bedroom. Or as Prince Charles calls his being barred from Camilla’s bedroom: My Early Father’s Day present.

Or something like that

Saddam Hussein is writing his memoirs in prison. I think the book’s called; “Murderous Dictatorship for Dummies.”

Ewwww
The Pro Tennis tour is going to start using blue tennis courts instead of green. This is different then when Anna Kournakova used to play and guys would have to play with blue balls.

If you don’t know, Cinco De Mayo is the holiday where Mexico, I believe, celebrates the famous sinking of the French ship, Mayonnaise, hence, Cinco de Mayo.

Oh, yeah, they gonna get up on it now para la Sinko of De Mayonnaise, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We’ve seen this, haven’t we?
Movie goers have reportedly been cheering wildly when Paris Hilton’s character in “House of Wax” gets killed. I don’t know why, you’d think they’d be used to seeing Paris getting nailed.

Hola, Slatternas y Nuggetios, Happy Cinco De Mayo
If you don’t know, Cinco De Mayo is Spanish for; “Who are all these Minutemen at the border?”Actually, Cinco De Mayo in Spanish means; “Yankees Suck in May.”

Now he’s a fighter, not a lover
Bill Clinton announced he is going to fight obesity. Apparently Clinton has decided he’d rather fight obesity than date it.

Or Yanker
Paris Hilton’s publicist claims Paris makes $200,000 a party appearance. Paris makes so much money for doing absolutely nothing that today she was named an honorary New York Yankee.

Better known as
Scott Savol was kicked off “American Idol.” But don’t worry, Scott got a nice consolation prize, or as the “American Idol” consolation prize is otherwise known: Paula Abdul.

That explains it
The Government says it has lost $100 million dollars in Iraq. Apparently the U.S. - Iraqi finances are being run by Michael Jackson.

Why? Why so skeptical?
A poll reveals that most people think that the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes romance is a publicity stunt. Now why would anyone think that? She’s an admitted virgin and he has denied being gay more than Mike Piazza and Ryan Seacrest combined. Seems like a normal couple to me.

I, uh, I did not know that
Did you hear about that guy who got a ticket on the freeway in Los Angeles? Apparently it’s illegal to use the body of your murdered shooting victim to drive in the car pool lane.

There have been twelve shootings on Southern California freeways. 405 isn’t just a freeway, it’s the millimeter of the bullets used on it.

Face of mass destruction
The not guilty verdict was tossed out in the trial of Abu Ghraib prison abuser guard Lynndie England. They say they didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? How about that mug on Lynndie England? That face is one mass weapon of destruction right there.

Either or
George Lucas has described the upcoming “Star Wars III” as a “Titanic” in space. That either means it’s either a romance/disaster movie or it features an annoying song by Celine Deon.

What is in that Guinness?
Colin Farrell is unbelievable. Apparently a 70-year-old British actress, Dame Eileen Atkins, claims Farrell hit on her. Colin claims Dame Atkins didn’t understand he meant a diet when he said he wanted get on Atkins.

This isn’t the first time Farrell has hit on a 70-year-old woman. In fact, Colin is the only single guy who has one of those super glide stair lift chairs installed in his bachelor pad.

This officially moves Colin Farrell ahead of Bill O’Reilly and Pat O’Brien in the “Horniest Irishman in the world” contest.

Next year we’ll get 6/6/06
Did you know that today is 5/5/05? Today we have more fives than at a Michael Jackson sleep-over.

The shot not heard around the world
Michael Bolton is out on tour which has prompted comments of; “Oh, I can’t wait to see him in concert” from practically nobody.

Not getting any taller
The New England Patriots have signed 43-year-old diminutive quarterback Doug Flutie. You know, people shrink as they get older. They better hurry up and use Flutie before he resembles a helmet resting on top of a pair of cleats.

Since you asked:
OK, fine, so I wasn’t named Pope, and not one team in the NFL drafted me, and no, I am nowhere to be found in “People” magazine’s top fifty most beautiful issue. So what? As a comedy writer, I am huge, huge, I say, in Paducah and Saskatoon. Not to mention Boise.

What am I doing for Cinco de Mayo – which, if you don’t know, is Spanish for “The Mayo is in the sink”? Maggies, my Slats and Nuggies. Many Margaritas (right-thinking Mags are on the rocks, no salt) with my buddies Kevin “Juan” Perron and Bruce Miller at Cabos, a fairly feisty and festive local Mexican joint (pronounced: Jernt) Great pollo asada quesadillas is what I’m talkin’ about.Come on bye and my buddy "Juan" Perron will buy you a Maggie.