You know what I’m talkin’ about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ring out the dead
The Los Angeles Lakers have lost five in a row and their playoff hopes are dying. Now the only way Kobe Bryant will get a ring this year is if his wife goes on a trip and orders room service.

Gas prices are going through the roof. The good news for the Lakers? They can transfer their ability to suck to a gas siphoning hose.

Folks, love your pets, do not LOVE your pets
A Belgian man is on trial for having sex with dogs. He could face up to six months in jail if convicted. Of course, six months is 42 months in having-sex-with-dog-years.

That’s not the weirdest part, he had sex with the dogs people style.

A Belgian man is on trial for having sex with dogs. He could face up to six months in jail for animal abuse, immoral behavior and the lesser charge of impersonating Prince Charles.

Authorities first became suspicious when he would call the local radio station and request the song for his girlfriend: “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

No coincidence that
Hundreds of giant squid are washing up on the shores of Southern California. In a related story, Orange County and Los Angeles sushi restaurants are now offering all-you-can-eat specials.

One important bill at a time
President Bush signed a bill to keep feeding brain-damaged Terri Schiavo. And Bush signed another bill to stop the feeding of Ruben Stoddard and Kirstie Alley.

Rough times for the bad haircut
It’s been a tough week for baseball commissioner Bud Selig. He is under fire for ignoring steroids, he had to appear before Congress, and just when Selig thought things couldn’t get worse, today he came in third in the annual Janet Reno look-alike contest.

Not quite enough
The Chicago Cubs’ Wrigley Field is adding about 2,000 seats. Apparently the Cubs brass decided there just weren’t enough people getting their hopes and dreams shattered in person as it was.

Or are you hit and run?
Paula Abdul could be charged with a hit and run driving accident. When asked to comment, Abdul said; “I don’t know anything about it, but whatever happened, I disagree with Simon Cowell.”

The old days
Remember the old days when, if you said you used your Palm Pilot to Google yourself, you’d have been arrested for public indecency?

That would explain it
Some new facts are coming out in the Robert Blake verdict. It turns out the jury didn’t really find Blake innocent, they just wanted to hurry up and acquit him so they could concentrate on following the Michael Jackson trial closer.

No news is not good news
This has been an odd news week. Elton John didn’t feud with anyone and not one teacher slept with a student.

Can’t wait
The baseball season is getting ready to begin. This year everyone is excited to see who is going to throw out the first syringe.

Close call indeed
Observers commented that Michael Jackson appeared at court looking ill. Here’s my question: how can you tell if Michael Jackson looks ill? That’s like trying to determine if Kirstie Alley is retaining water.

Since you asked:
Got one of those emails that is probably an urban myth, but if it is, it’s a good one. The story about the hayseed-looking couple that wanted to donate a building to Harvard in memory of their son. When told by the snooty Harvard President what that would cost, they decided to start their own University: Stanford.

Not sure if it is true. Checked into the Stanford’s history and they didn’t sound like hicks. Their son died at 16. But who knows? I do know it ended with a great line we should all have tattooed inside of our eyelids. When I was young and cocky – like you’re supposed to be – I didn’t always abide by it, but I like to think that I have matured.

There are formerly close friends of mine – the kind of people who are always there when they needed you – that, not only didn’t follow this edict, they treated people as disposable assets, so I essentially fired them as friends. Not an easy thing for us loyal-to-the-death bred Midwesterners to do, regardless that I now reside in California.

Anyway, here it is:

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

Next time you see someone screaming at a waiter, remember this.