Shake it like a salt shaker, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Just what we neededBurger King has the enormous omelet sandwich, 750 calories and 47 grams of fat. And that doesn’t even count the fat and calories if you find a finger in it.

Chile Con Barney
In California, a woman ordered Wendy’s chili and bit into a severed finger. Wendy’s is trying to put a good spin on this. They are advertising that they now have digital chili.

The woman was quite upset. She’s been trying to stop her bad habit of biting off fingernails.

That would do it
“Cosmopolitan” magazine claims a guy can get a woman to orgasm in ten seconds. Ten seconds? Yeah, it’s called a gift box from Tiffany’s.

So close
You know how people are finding religious figures on food and selling them on eBay? I thought I had a flour tortilla with an image of the Pope. When I looked closer it was actually the image of Camilla Parker Bowles.

Don’t worry about it
A Church of England bishop says Prince Charles should apologize to Camilla's ex-husband for breaking up their marriage. To which Camilla’s ex-husband said; “You know what? That’s OK. I’m good, really. You go, Chuck.”

Yes, that is a crime
A woman in Portland drove her SUV off a 60 ft bridge and to the bottom a river. She’s OK, but she was promptly arrested for impersonating the Los Angles Lakers.

So mean
In Hollywood they are casting for “Wonder Woman.” They should cast Camilla Parker Bowles because everyone wonders if she’s a woman.

Sure sign
Rumor has it that Britney Spears is pregnant. You know why they think that? Britney has switched to non-alcoholic Schlitz Malt Liquor.

Slow hand
Rock guitar-legend Eric Clapton turned 60 today. He’s getting up there. Now Eric turns on his amplifier with The Clapper.

Look for Clapton’s new single: “You punks get off my lawn.”

Not a good sign
In Texas, a former top Boy Scout official was arrested for having child porn on his computer. Authorities became suspicious when the Scout leader issued a Michael Jackson merit badge.

Speaking of the Lakers
The Los Angeles Lakers finally snapped an eight game losing streak. Kobe Bryant was so excited he nearly traded himself to the Miami Heat.

Who writes this stuff?
“Men’s Health” magazine says that guys should give their women licorice to get them in the mood. In the mood for what? Skipping rope? Playing jacks? Hide-and-go-seek?


Right to the end
Sadly, Johnny Cochran passed away. His family issued a statement: “In lieu of sending flowers, pay his $500 bucks an hour.”


Crime is down in New York City. Now the New York cops spend most of their time in Central Park breaking up fights between the squirrels and the rats.

Slow hand II
Rock guitar-legend Eric Clapton turned 60 today. You can tell Clapton’s getting older. After his last concert he muttered; “That’s not music, that’s noise.”

Get the rim shots ready
In Malibu, authorities discovered a severed human foot. They said the foot belonged to a male Caucasian who is most likely hopping mad.

They are trying to find the rest of the victim but right now they don’t have a leg to stand on.

Upon hearing of this, the manager of the Malibu Wendy’s started the bidding for the foot at five dollars.