We ain’t frontin’, we ain’t stuntin’, we ain’t snipe huntin’ up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a great country
Kraft announces they are coming out with a wide-mouth jar of mayonnaise. How fat are we when they have to make a bigger opening just so we can fit our big fat hands into the jar to scrape out the last ounce of the mayonnaise?

What’s next, a bigger mayo jar with a huge opening so we can stick our fat heads right into it and lick it clean?

Not all beer and skittles
Robert Blake is not having an easy time after being acquitted. For example, for some reason, Blake has had the hardest time finding a dinner date.

“Hi, this is Robert Blake, I’m out of jail, wanna go to dinner? Hello? Hello?”

Oh, now that’s just mean . . .
A Belgian man is on trial for having sex with dogs. Do you know what you call a guy who has sex with a dog? Prince Charles.

Or as that sicko likes to call sex with dogs: The paws that refreshes.

No slacko for Jacko
Observers said that Michael Jackson arrived at court looking ill. What do they mean Michael looked ill? If the guy was any whiter he’d be clear.

If Michael Jackson looked any sicker than he normally does he’d have to wear a black hooded cloak and carry a huge scythe and an hour glass.

Michael Jackson did not look good when he showed up at court. Just to give you an idea how bad he looked, when Michael showed at court, the judge ordered a feeding tube stuck down his throat.

If Michael Jackson looked any sicker than he normally does he’d make the Grim Reaper look like Kelly Ripa.

Again, mean
The British Government said that, if Prince Charles ascends the thrown, Camilla Parker Bowles would be Queen. In addition, Camilla would be named a pure bred by the English Kennel Club.

A hard time
A Wisconsin man is charged with having sex with cows after attending a strip club. You don’t suppose the girl who last stripped for him will get a hard time? “Hey, Brandi, did you hear Louie dumped you for a Hereford?”

You know who I feel sorry for? The farmer found out about this after he milked those cows. “Does this milk look funny to you?”

They were right
Michael Jackson has been charged with serving wine, vodka and whisky at the Neverland Ranch. I guess they were right, Michael really does wish he was Diana Ross.

Did you see Michael Jackson yesterday at court? He looked bad. But he looked a lot better today. You know why he looked better today? Last night, Jose Conseco injected his butt with steroids.

Come on out
A Pennsylvania Judge refused to marry a couple because they were first cousins. That couple should come out here to California. We’ll marry first cousins as long as they are the same sex.

Since you frickin’asked:
To steal a page from John Cusak’s (another fellow New Trier High alum, albeit a tad more successful) character in “High Fidelity” there is an art to creating the perfect workout iPod playlist.

You want to warm up but you want to start with something to get you going? My first work out song? “Funeral For a Friend” by Elton John. Plus it’s ten minutes that fly by.

You got it going now, so keep it going. Yes, this song may be too eighties, yes it may be corny, but I dare you not to get ballistic when you hear the second song:

“Top Gun’s” “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins.

We are way low on gas, Maverick, so now we got to take it down a bit.

“Hey Joe” by Jimi Hendrix. Yes, it starts out mellower, but when my man, Jimi, done up and hits that guitar solo you could go through a brick wall.

The next good jam? “Stay with Me” by Ron Wood and that blonde guy in Faces.

“Gimme All Your Lovin” by ZZ Top. Yes, it’s dated, yes it’s too Seventies, but it is a work out jammer whammer. (Did I just say jammer whammer?)

This next one is a must, ‘cause you be more mo’ tired now than a Neverland Sleepover guest the day after the Jesus Juice, so get going with “Hard to Handle” by the Black Crows.

“Up Around the Bend” by CCR because when Fogerty says “just as fast as my feet can fly” so do yours.

We knew a guy in high school named Charlie Bro. This crazy friend of ours, Art Bergman, swore that the Doobie Brothers say his name instead of “China Grove.” You tell me, ‘cause that’s the next song.

And finally, we end up with the perfect “We-are-showered-up-and-snazzy-after-a-day-at-the-beach-and-cruisin-with-the-top-down-to-an-awesome-outdoor-party song, “Tumblin Dice” by the Stones.

Once you are done, cool down to Jackson Browne’s “Call It a Loan.” Do sit ups to John Mayal’s “Room to Move.” Get a drink to Van Morrison’s “Oh, the Water.”

The only, and I mean the only problem with the blessed iPod, as I see it, is if you get too carried away.

As I have said before, the only thing that looks dumber than a guy jammin’ out and playing air guitar is a guy jamming out to air guitar to a song that nobody else can hear. When I do that, trust me, I look like I am waiting for the little school bus to pick me up in front of my house. When I do that, just go ahead and call me Warren from “Something About Mary.” (Nice pull, Mark and Tracy Snake)