This playa what done be the playa playin' hurt, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s Spring Break. Or as it as also known: Spring “I hope the condom doesn’t” Break.

We're moving out
President Bush is going to ask Congress to further loosen immigration laws. That means all U.S. Citizens, pack your bags; we’re trading places with Mexico.

Must Not See TV
“The Apprentice’s” Omarossa and Jose Conseco are going to be in a reality show. I think it’s called “The Bitch and the Snitch.”

Bless Bush's heart
President Bush’s approval rating is down to 45%. Or as Bush calls 45%, a big number followed by that O-slash-O-thingy.

A dog that good . . .
A Chinese man has trained his dog to walk on his hind legs for five miles. Well, he didn’t actually have to train the dog to walk on his hind legs, he’d eaten the dog’s front legs.

Let's face facts
A survey in “Cosmopolitan” revealed that 65% of men said they would sleep with a woman they’re not dating. The other 35% said they would sleep with a woman they’re not even vaguely familiar with.

Catchy
Burger King has the enormous omelet sandwich, 750 calories and 47 grams of fat. Their slogan? “Nothing starts your day like a coronary embolism.”

Not many left
Carl’s Jr. has a 1,400 calorie monster burger. This is for those few people who actually survived Burger King’s enormous omelet sandwich.

Spin doctors
In California, a woman ordered Wendy’s chili and bit into a severed finger. Wendy’s is trying to put a positive spin on it. Their new slogan is: “We can keep the price of your meal down to one digit.”

The finger-in-Wendy’s-chili story pretty much disproves the theory that there is no such thing as bad publicity.

E.C. will always be my boy
Rock guitar-legend Eric Clapton turned 60 this week. You can tell Clapton is getting older. Have you heard Clapton’s revised version of “Cocaine”? It’s now called “Rogaine.”

Otherwise
The Los Angeles Lakers finally snapped an eight game losing streak. Or as the New Orleans Hornets call an eight game losing streak: A road trip.

Tell me you didn't see this one coming
In Malibu, road workers discovered a severed human foot. Or as Wendy’s calls it: “Today’s Special.”

Ten second rule
“Cosmopolitan” magazine claims article claims a man can get a woman to orgasm in ten seconds. All the guy has to do is say; “Hey, is that Brad Pitt?”

Miss Understanding
On “Oprah” Lisa Marie Presley said she did consummate her marriage with Michael Jackson. Turns out she really said they consommé’d their marriage, yeah, they had soup together.

I hate that
Don’t you hate those sneaky office thieves that steal food? Today, I went to our coffee room refrigerator and discovered that somebody ate the finger out of my bowl of Wendy’s chili.

At this point
A presidential panel determined that U.S. intelligence was “dead wrong” on weapons of mass destruction. Can we still call it U.S. Intelligence at this point? Shouldn’t it be U.S. Uniformed Wild Guesses?

If he's not real careful
A judge ruled that rap mogul Suge Knight has to pay $107 million for reneging on a business deal. Suge Knight has been to prison for assault, weapons violations and breaking the terms of his parole. In fact, if he’s not careful, Suge could actually give rap music a bad reputation.

At this rate Assist Janice Hough
The Washington Nationals will play their first game ever. Everyone in Washington is excited, the Nationals are the old Montreal Expos, and, what with the exchange rate, the Nationals should only suck .825685 % as much as the Expos did.

Since you asked:
Not sure what atrocity I committed – probably one of my Michael Jackson jokes – but, due to divine retribution, the big, big, big guy upstairs has decided, in his infinite wisdom, to turn me into a human nose blowing machine.

Like those British soldiers fighting off the countless waves Zulu warriors, I’ve been nobly fighting off a cold for a week. So what did I do yesterday? Worked out real hard, so that I was soaked with sweat, and then walked home from the gym just as the sun set, the temperature dropped and the wind picked up.

As Tom Hank’s Forrest Gump once said; “I’m not a smart man.”

As you all know, Slats and Nuggies, I’m nothing if not a cautious optimist, so I like to look at the bright side of a cold. It gives us time to reflect on what ingrate whiners we are for not appreciating how good we feel when we don’t have a cold.

Let’s give –as the kids say – a shout out to our youngest and mostest bestest buddy, a.L.b.B. reader little Julia Woods. Julia said she doesn’t get a lot of these jokes. (tear-of-pride-wipe) They grow up to be so smart so fast. Rock on, Who-lia, and whatever you do, do NOT do anything your Dad tells you to do. Do you hear me, young lady?

(Polite applause)

Let’s answer one reader letter.

Dear Lex;

Is it possible to die from a cold?

Just wondering.

Dr. Ruth

Dear Dr. Ruth;

No, it is not possible to die from a common cold. But it is possible to die from listening to me complain about having a cold.

Shake it like a salt shaker, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Just what we neededBurger King has the enormous omelet sandwich, 750 calories and 47 grams of fat. And that doesn’t even count the fat and calories if you find a finger in it.

Chile Con Barney
In California, a woman ordered Wendy’s chili and bit into a severed finger. Wendy’s is trying to put a good spin on this. They are advertising that they now have digital chili.

The woman was quite upset. She’s been trying to stop her bad habit of biting off fingernails.

That would do it
“Cosmopolitan” magazine claims a guy can get a woman to orgasm in ten seconds. Ten seconds? Yeah, it’s called a gift box from Tiffany’s.

So close
You know how people are finding religious figures on food and selling them on eBay? I thought I had a flour tortilla with an image of the Pope. When I looked closer it was actually the image of Camilla Parker Bowles.

Don’t worry about it
A Church of England bishop says Prince Charles should apologize to Camilla's ex-husband for breaking up their marriage. To which Camilla’s ex-husband said; “You know what? That’s OK. I’m good, really. You go, Chuck.”

Yes, that is a crime
A woman in Portland drove her SUV off a 60 ft bridge and to the bottom a river. She’s OK, but she was promptly arrested for impersonating the Los Angles Lakers.

So mean
In Hollywood they are casting for “Wonder Woman.” They should cast Camilla Parker Bowles because everyone wonders if she’s a woman.

Sure sign
Rumor has it that Britney Spears is pregnant. You know why they think that? Britney has switched to non-alcoholic Schlitz Malt Liquor.

Slow hand
Rock guitar-legend Eric Clapton turned 60 today. He’s getting up there. Now Eric turns on his amplifier with The Clapper.

Look for Clapton’s new single: “You punks get off my lawn.”

Not a good sign
In Texas, a former top Boy Scout official was arrested for having child porn on his computer. Authorities became suspicious when the Scout leader issued a Michael Jackson merit badge.

Speaking of the Lakers
The Los Angeles Lakers finally snapped an eight game losing streak. Kobe Bryant was so excited he nearly traded himself to the Miami Heat.

Who writes this stuff?
“Men’s Health” magazine says that guys should give their women licorice to get them in the mood. In the mood for what? Skipping rope? Playing jacks? Hide-and-go-seek?


Right to the end
Sadly, Johnny Cochran passed away. His family issued a statement: “In lieu of sending flowers, pay his $500 bucks an hour.”


Crime is down in New York City. Now the New York cops spend most of their time in Central Park breaking up fights between the squirrels and the rats.

Slow hand II
Rock guitar-legend Eric Clapton turned 60 today. You can tell Clapton’s getting older. After his last concert he muttered; “That’s not music, that’s noise.”

Get the rim shots ready
In Malibu, authorities discovered a severed human foot. They said the foot belonged to a male Caucasian who is most likely hopping mad.

They are trying to find the rest of the victim but right now they don’t have a leg to stand on.

Upon hearing of this, the manager of the Malibu Wendy’s started the bidding for the foot at five dollars.

We’re all about the all about all about here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Finger food
In California, a woman ordered Wendy’s chili and bit into a severed finger. That’s not the worst of it. The finger had a really nasty hang-nail.

It is no fun finding a finger where it doesn’t belong. Take it from my any guy that has had a prostate exam.

Wendy’s is trying to put a good spin on this. They are advertising that they now have digital chili.

That makes more sense

After four years the Backstreet Boys are going on tour. The tour is sponsored by Dominoes Pizza. Wait, no, I’m sorry, the Backstreet Boys will be working at Dominoes after the tour. That’s it.

Not a good idea
They have discovered soft tissue and blood of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and now scientists say could clone the T-Rex. Excuse me, but am I the only one who remembers what happened in both “Jurassic Park” movies?

It adds up
“Blender” magazine says the average person spends 3 years in the bathroom. Unless you have 75 porno magazines, like Michael Jackson, then it’s up to 10 years in the bathroom.

Correction
The Robert Blake jury is demanding an apology for being called stupid. They’re right, stupid is not fair. Incompetent, inept, unintelligent, that’s fine, but not stupid.

Robert Blake says he’s broke. How broke? Today Blake had to borrow money to hire someone to shoot his accountant.

We kid the Kirstie
Burger King has the enormous omelet sandwich, 750 calories and 47 grams of fat. There are only four people in the world that could finish that sandwich. Two that aren’t named Michael Moore or Kirstie Alley.

That ain’t easy for a guy to get on
Yesterday, Fred Funk won the Players Championship. It was a windy day. The wind made the signature 17th island green hard for the guys to get on. In fact, that green was harder for the guys to get on then Ellen DeGeneris.

Oh, no it’s just getting mean

A California scientist has cured mice of their cat allergies. Is it necessary to cure mice of their cat allergies? That’s like curing a ham of its fear of Kirstie Alley.

Is this really necessary? Are there a lot of mice out there that want to cuddle with a cat?

Leave her alone
CBS “The Early Show” revealed the new Optimal diet, the Polish fat diet. It recommends three times the normal amount of fat, 250 grams of fat a day. Or as Kirstie Alley calls 250 grams of fat: a midnight snack.

That is sooo mean
The Anchorage Alaska zoo has installed a huge treadmill in order to get their overweight elephant, Maggie, to lose weight. Maggie weighs 9,000 pounds and needs to lose a thousand pounds, or in other words about one Kirstie Ally.

Not a Kirstie joke
In Michigan, a 12-year-old boy sat in the lap of a man in an Easter Bunny costume and then, unprovoked, the boy began to pummel the guy in the bunny suit. How angry are we getting when a child punches the Easter Bunny? What’s next? Santa Claus elder abuse?

Since you asked:
There are two kinds of people: people who are good with names, and people who are good with faces. If you’re one you’re probably not the other. As I am extremely good with faces – I once spotted a guy in Boston whom I hadn’t seen since we were in second grade together – that means I am horrible with names. Really horrible.

A lot of people confuse my name, Alex, with Eric, either because they sound the same or I look like an Eric or both. Either way, I get Eric a lot.

Knowing that I am weak at names, when it starts to become embarrassing, I make a concerted effort to remember someone’s name, and, just like that, their name is forever lodged in my head. It’s easy, you just take one brief moment to make a game out of the name and it sticks.

For example, there was a woman at my gym that tied up her dog outside. The dog’s name I could remember, but I couldn’t remember her name. That was embarrassing. The dog’s name was Bella, and the woman’s name was Ellen. Then I thought, take the B off Bella, and you got the start of Ella which is almost Ellen. It worked. The dog had made a much bigger impression, but at least now I knew her name.

So now I know her name, but Ellen couldn’t remember my name to save her life. That’s fine, I thought. The only reason I was even friendly to Ellen was because her dog was a cute yellow Labrador, like my dog, Kasey (Incidentally, she always remembered Kasey’s name) For a while I would say “Hello Ellen,” just to remind her I knew her name and she didn’t know mine, but usually I would be nice and let her off the hook and not say her name so she didn’t feel bad.

But then, after a good solid two months of this, Ellen started to make a big deal out of not being able to remember my name and that became deeply irritating. If she had put half the effort into remembering my name instead of talking about why she couldn’t remember it, she would have remembered my name. After that I felt free to rub it in:

“Hello Ellen. How are you, Ellen? Ellen, are you having a good day? Well, Ellen, it was good to talk to you. Have a good workout, Ellen.”

She would look at me uncomprehendingly like a cow at a passing train. She simply could not remember my name. And then, one day, she became exasperated:

“I can’t understand it,” she complained, “Why can’t I remember your name? What is it again?” Somewhat testily I reminded her, “Alex” for about the fifteenth time. Then she began to dig herself even deeper:

“That’s weird, I really like the name Alex, it’s a good, strong name. I guess you just don’t look anything like an Alex to me. That must be it.”

What an idiot. She just insulted me to my face, so when she asked, once again, why she couldn’t remember my name, I let her have it with both guns;

“You know why you can’t remember my name, Ellen? Because you couldn’t care less. If remembering my name had any importance to you at all, you’d have taken a slight effort about two months ago, but you clearly don’t give a sh#t. I promise, if you got $5 bucks to remember my name, you would remember.”

As a famous name forgetter, this lecture made me a world class hypocrite, but it felt good and it must have worked because the next time I saw Ellen, she ran up to me and announced;

“After you practically yelled at me, now I remember your name. It’s Alex.”
“No,” I dead-panned, “It’s Eric.”

Sometimes it is really fun to be a total and utter d*ckhead.

It gonna do what it do when it do what it do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Happy Easter and Bunny Day
Hope you had a nice Easter. Me? I spent mine, as usual, in quiet reflection tying to figure out the connection between a major religious holiday and a massive bunny hiding colored eggs.

Hate to see that

There was an awkward moment during the White House Easter Egg hunt. One child proudly announced he found a chocolate bunny. When informed no chocolate bunnies were hidden, Barney the first dog was quickly escorted off the White House lawn.

Actors can’t get away with everything
Tom Sizemore has been sentenced to 17 months in jail for violating probation by failing seven drug tests. When will these actors learn? They can’t get away with breaking the law unless, of course, they kill their wife.

Like teaching the French how to kiss
Colleges, like Colby College in Maine, are teaching 21-year-olds how to drink. They have classes where they drink wine and beer and they try to teach students how to drink responsibly. Is this necessary? “No, no, you’re holding the beer bong the wrong way, the funnel goes up.”

“Remember, guys, if your date is puking, it’s always polite to hold her hair.”

Ouch
A boy in Australia had both hands and a foot reattached after a basketball injury. The kid lost his hands and a foot playing basketball? Apparently he was playing one on one against a wood chipper.

Capri?
Watching the NCAA men’s basketball tournament I think we now need to officially proclaim that the players are no longer wearing what can be referred to as shorts. They are officially half pants half shorts so either we call them ports or shants.

Oh, that, no, come on, let’s not generalize
India is furious that the U.S. is going to sell F16 fighter jets to Pakistan. What’s the big deal? Pakistan is just going to convert the jets into turbo powered slurpy machines anyway.

Not a good sign
The Los Angeles Lakers are below .500% and are probably out of the playoffs. To show how bad it is, Jack Nicholson tried to give his courtside tickets away and Pauly Shore turned them down.

Big Sanguido
Burger King is making an omelet sandwich that is over 730 calories and 47 grams of fat. To show you how many calories that is, if you can eat an entire sandwich you have to change your name to Kirstie.

Let’s get it together
The two sides of the Terri Schiavo ordeal are nowhere close. The husband says she is brain dead and about to die, and her parents are practically booking her a spot to race in the Tour de France.

In hindsight
With the Los Angeles Lakers in shambles, many are questioning owner Dr. Jerry Buss’s decision to side with Kobe Bryant over everyone else. In fact, siding with Kobe is starting to make Custer’s decision that Sitting Bull was bluffing seem fairly insightful.

Is it just me?
They have discovered soft tissue and blood of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and now scientists say could clone the T-Rex. Excuse me, but am I the only one who remembers what happened in both “Jurassic Park” movies?

Since you asked:
All I needed to know about Sammy Sosa was that Mark Grace despised him. Mark Grace was the epitome of a team player, an unselfish baseball leader. When he could no longer stand to be around Sosa – a part of the reason he left for the Diamondbacks - we should have seen what was coming with Sammy the primma donna.

Remember how everybody loved Sammy Sosa during the epic home run race with Mark McGwire? At the Hillerich and Bradsby shareholder meeting I had a chance to ask the guy in charge of Major League Baseball contracts why Sammy didn’t exclusively use a Louisville Slugger. You could see the color run out of his face at the mention of Sosa’s name. Suffice it to say that this man would have rather negotiated with Saddam Hussein than Sammy Sosa.

When Mark Grace returned to Wrigley Field as a Diamondback, he was greeted with cheers. When Sammy Sosa returns to Wrigley as a Baltimore Oriole, he will be roundly booed. Both will have deserved what they got.

Where you at and why ain’t at where I at, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

An Austrian university is in trouble for using corpses as crash test dummies. Man, the news keeps getting worse and worse for Ted Williams.

An inevitable but, nonetheless, embarrassing thing happened today. Pat O’Brien accidentally made a dirty phone sex call to Bill O’Reilly.

Star Jones had her birthday this week. Star Jones celebrated by blowing out her candles as well as the chair she sat in.

Actor Tom Sizemore has been sentenced to jail for failing seven drug tests while on probation. Seven. I’m not an expert, but I’m starting to think Sizemore may have a problem.

He failed seven drug tests. Or as Whitney Houston calls seven failed drug tests, last week.

Bee afraid, bee very afraid
A swarm of bees caused the cancellation of a Colorado Rockies, Arizona Diamondback spring training game. It was serious, after the game, five players tested positive for pollen.

One player thought he got a really bad sting right on his buttocks. Turned out it was just Jose
Canseco injecting him with steroids.

It was wild, after the bees stung the baseball players, the bees grew ten times their normal size from all of the steroids.

Get the rim shots ready
A diner at a Wendy’s fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili. And I thought the customer was supposed to leave a tip?

The diner was furious. She ordered the beef stew.

“Hey waiter. What’s this finger doing in my chili?” “My guess would be flipping you off for your lousy tips.”

That should do it
A Texas legislator wants "sexually suggestive" high school cheerleader routines banned. To remove any hint of sexuality, he wants the cheerleaders dressed like a female gym teacher.

Anna we hardly knew yee
Former tennis babe Anna Kournakova is going to be a guest host on “The View.” You thought Anna couldn’t get her serve in? Wait until she tries to get a word in on “The View.”

Anna won’t actually do anything on “The View”, she’ll just sit there and look pretty. Just like she did in tennis.

(Shouting) I said, stay with me, stay with me, for tonight you better stay with me
60-year-old Rod Stewart married a 34 year girl. It was a very touching ceremony, they wrote their own vows on parchment. Unfortunately, the magnifying glass Stewart used to read it caused the vows to burst into flames.

How old was it?
They found soft tissue on a 70-million-year-old T-Rex. That’s amazing when you consider they can’t find any soft tissue on Cher or Joan Rivers.

Now that’s bad
At the Michael Jackson trial, one of Jackson's lawyers slumped over in his chair and had to be taken to the hospital. Man, Michael has to be pretty damn guilty and disgusting to make even an attorney sick.

Tough act to follow
The Village People announced they want to make their image less gay. That shouldn’t be tough, now, if they wanted their image to be more gay, that would be impossible.

Since you asked:
In one of those insipid men’s health magazines (like “Men’s Health” for example) I saw an article on a fitness test, right after it’s 5,721st article in a row on how to get ripped abs. (Diet and sit ups? Who knew?)

Anyway, the test claimed that one of the most reliable signs of fitness is the one minute test. You take your resting heart rate and then how high you can get your heart rate in under a minute of rather vigorous exercise and see what the spread is. 50 is OK. (If a person is out of shape, their resting rate is high and your maximum heart rate is low, that’s why they get exhausted so fast)

Mine? (teeth-suck, sniff, groan, dissolve into chortle of smugness) 90. 55 to 145. Oh yeah, baby, I’m thinking I’m pretty hot stuff, right? Nearly doubled the OK, is what I up and done.

You know what Lance Armstrong’s one minute test is? 182. Holy crap. The man’s resting heart rate is 38 and he can get to 220 in just under a minute. That isn’t a heart, that is a Ferrari engine. Explains why Sherryl Crowe is looking so fit these days. Poor thing. Lance must ride her like the Alps. (OK, Lex, simmer down, big guy)

While we are on the subject:
Funny thing. You know how I was whining about not having one of those corny sitcom, buzzed up, A-game, high-five-all-around days? Kind of had one yesterday, thanks for asking. It’s amazing what a good workout, a great dinner, Louisville beating the grits out of Washington and a long awaited over-due check can due for a guy’s attitude.

Ala Emeril, marinated the flank (you’re welcome) steak in 1 cup red wine, ½ cup soy, ¼ cup packed brown sugar (cue: Rolling Stones) two tablespoons of crushed garlic and tomato paste, one tablespoon of Lowry’s seasoning, paprika, pepper, marinate for six hours. (More would be better)

Take the marinade, boil hard and then simmer slowly to reduce and use it as a steak sauce. Oh . . . my . . . goodness. As Judge Schmales from “Caddy Shack” would say; “Top notch, top notch.”

Comedy writers and dyslexics, untie.
Was exchanging “smart-ass comments when we were kids in church” tales with one of my comedy writing buddies, Janice Hough. She had a good line:

“Good Friday? What’s so good about it?”

Mine? (I knew you would ask) During my first communion the minister told me that “This bread and wine are the body and blood of Christ.”

When I got back to my seat, my parents asked how it went. My reply?

“It didn’t taste bad considering what he said it was.”

My Mom, bless her heart, didn’t stop laughing the entire rest of the service. Lord help me, I’ve been an irreverent smart ass my entire life.

Go Cardinals
Louisville beat Washington to advance to the elite eight of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Did you the pick Louisville’s Otis George put on Washington’s Bobby Jones? How hard was that pick? If you want to know what next week is going to be like, ask Bobby Jones.

No, she ain’ no holla back girl, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Take two
Rumor has it they are planning on a movie about Robert Blake and his wife, Bonnie. I’m not sure
what the title will be. “To Live and Die in L.A.” has already been used.

Robert Blake is looking for an acting job. Too bad they cancelled the show “Just Shoot Me.”

Now that is nervous
China has joined the U.S. in urging North Korea to continue nuclear arms negotiations. This situation is tense. In fact, right now it’s as tense as a North Korean dog at supper time.

Digital
A diner at a Wendy’s fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili. The final insult? It was the middle finger.

Kind of brings an ugly meaning to the term finger bowl.

That could work
If he gets acquitted, Michael Jackson could be the house performer at Donald Trump’s upcoming big Las Vegas casino. That makes sense, if you could clone Vegas performers Wayne Newton and Celine Dion, you’d get Michael Jackson.

Not a good sign
A key witness for Michael Jackson, his old bodyguard, is in a Las Vegas jail for kidnapping and robbery. How messed up are you when your character witness is a convicted felon?

Ewwww
The judge ruled that Michael Jackson’s computer porn cannot be used in court. This is a big win for Michael Jackson, but a big loss of free advertising for the owners of Me Likes the Tikes.com.

Better watch out
The other day, Michael Jackson brought his personal magician to court. Michael has a personal magician. If he’s not careful people might start to think that Michael Jackson is a little weird.

And in other shocking news, Sean Penn was offended by something
Whitney Houston has returned to rehab. For the rest of us, that’s like getting your car’s oil changed. Just one more trip back to rehab for Whitney and her tenth trip is free.

Fish gone wild
Did you see CBS’s “Spring Break Shark Attack?” Bikini clad women attacked by sharks. They got the idea from the Fort Lauderdale Attorney convention.

Now that is a jacked-up vote
“American Idol” had a serious voting mishap. How bad was the voting mishap? The winner turned out to be Ashlee Simpson.

How bad was the “American Idol” voting screw up? The big loser turned out to be Al Gore.

You don’t suppose?
The Players Championship at Sawgrass is under way. One of the players is Brian Gay. You don’t suppose Gay’s heard any shaft or “in the hole” jokes do you?

Sadly, Gay is not matched with Davis Love III in the much anticipated Gay/Love match-up.

Since you asked:
Regarding the fame, popularity and success of Gwen Steffani, can I just say that I get that?

Two of the most obnoxious sports fans I have met are both U.Conn graduates. So when U.Conn got knocked out early, I couldn’t help but go up to one, the woman, and needle a bit. She hits me with; “Has your school ever had the champion in both men and women’s basketball?” Can’t let that go, right? I assured her that, while my school hadn’t achieved that particular honor, every morning when I woke up in college, I was in Santa Barbara.

How nice is Santa Barbara? The only two things anyone ever says about Santa Barbara are, A, that is really nice, and B, I’ve heard that’s really nice.

Hitting the gym hard today, Slats and Nuggies. (Remember, this section is called “Since you asked”) Hard on the treadmill (there is a hint of rain) and then weights and plyometrics. And then a TiVo’d Louisville vs. Wash NCAA game while grilling my Emeril recipe for marinated flank steak. (Flanks?) You’re welcome.

We done up and got us our silly on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hey, Michael . . .
It’s looking more and more as if Michael Jackson is going to be acquitted. When asked what he is going to do if acquitted, Jackson said; “I’m going to Disneyland.”

To dream . . .
The conditions of Martha Stewart’s house arrest is that she gets 48 hours a week to leave the house. Or as married guys call that: The impossible dream.

Of human Bond-age
Barry Bonds told the media; "You wanted to bring me down. You have finally brought me and my family down. So now go pick a different person." Barry Bonds blaming the media for his problems is like Michael Jackson blaming his problems on tattle tales.

Apparently Bonds was channeling Richard Nixon.

We got that already, already, already
NASA said they have a way to make urine and sweat drinkable. Well, duh, we already have that, it’s called Lucky Lager Beer.

Dumb consumers
Adidas has made what they call a smart shoe for $250. See, how the smart shoe works is if you pay $250 for a pair of sneakers, you’re not smart.

These $250 Adidas smart shoes are big with kids. These shoes are so smart that they write their own note to get you out of gym class.

It was kind of embarrassing when Adidas sent President Bush a pair of their $250 smart shoes to try. Bush couldn’t figure out how to put them on.

The following joke was written by the result of a Stanford education and it shows. Good one Janice Hough.
Two women have proposed marriage to Scott Peterson. I guess they feel sorry for him being a widower and all.

Say it ain’t so
Legal experts say the Michael Jackson trial could be over in a couple weeks. In a related story, I will then be under medically supervised suicide watch.

Maybe not a good idea
The big rumor is that, if acquitted, Michael Jackson will get a huge deal to perform in Las Vegas. Is that a good idea putting Michael Jackson in a place with a motto of “What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas”?

Odd
Did you see the interview of Robert Blake? It was really odd. He demanded that Chris Rock apologize to Sean Penn about the Jude Law jokes.

Rare indeed
At Lost Creek Farm in Kentucky, a white stallion was born for only the thirtieth time in over one hundred years. To show you how rare it is, there hasn’t been a stallion born this white since, well, Camilla Parker Bowles.

Do you know what the birth of a white stallion means? Michael Jackson is having sex with horses.

Jesse Jackson taking time out from shaking down corporate America
Did you know that Michael Jackson prays everyday with Jesse Jackson over the phone? Jesse even has his own prayer poem for Michael: “Dear God, give my brother Michael the strength not to have sex with those shorter than him in length.”

Ah, that time of year
Can you believe baseball is just two weeks away? Don’t you love the sounds of spring baseball: the crack of the bat, the cheers of the crowd, the flushing of the syringes . . .

That’s weird
I’ve heard so much about Michael Jackson’s disgusting sounding Jesus Juice – wine and coke – that I finally decided to try it. It’s not that bad, but it was really weird, for some reason, after I had the Jesus Juice, my pajamas kept falling off.

Enough is enough
Not to be insensitive, but, truthfully, if I have to keep hearing about the Terri Schaivo case in the news, I’m going to ask a judge to remove my feeding tube.

I’ve got the solution. Forget the feeding tube issue, just make Terri Schaivo listen to all the news reports about Terri Schaivo and she’ll die naturally of boredom.

Since you asked:
You know that great wildly buzzed feeling when your A-game is dead on and your whole life just feels like a really corny sitcom bordering on a sappy musical where the birds chirp, everybody smiles and high fives you as glide and saunter through your glorious day?

Not having a day anything like that. My day feels more like something out of a Cohen brothers movie.

I’d like to introduce you to a new feature here at A.l.b.B. called:

Lex has a new game:

A friend of mine and I have a new game we play while we wait to pick up our kids at school. She, Renee, is a big time, very busy, real estate agent in town – she also won the women’s Iron Man in Hawaii one year in the Eighties- so, to say the least, she is very much a hard charger and knows everybody. She also has a great sense of humor. She asks me about jokes, I ask her about training tips. It’s fun to talk to her.

But I began to notice that we could not finish a conversation of any length without an overly intense, real estate obsessed mom interrupting us. One time I actually asked the offending mom; “I’m sorry, did our conversation interrupt you?” She said no with a straight face and kept on asking Rene questions about their house’s appreciation .

Now we try and guess how long it will be before we are interrupted. The record? Guess. No, really, guess. Four seconds. We are going to try and beat that today but we don’t know if we can. Hey, when life gives you lemons, make fun of rude, obnoxious, annoying rapidly aging yuppies.

That’s my motto.

We ain’t frontin’, we ain’t stuntin’, we ain’t snipe huntin’ up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

What a great country
Kraft announces they are coming out with a wide-mouth jar of mayonnaise. How fat are we when they have to make a bigger opening just so we can fit our big fat hands into the jar to scrape out the last ounce of the mayonnaise?

What’s next, a bigger mayo jar with a huge opening so we can stick our fat heads right into it and lick it clean?

Not all beer and skittles
Robert Blake is not having an easy time after being acquitted. For example, for some reason, Blake has had the hardest time finding a dinner date.

“Hi, this is Robert Blake, I’m out of jail, wanna go to dinner? Hello? Hello?”

Oh, now that’s just mean . . .
A Belgian man is on trial for having sex with dogs. Do you know what you call a guy who has sex with a dog? Prince Charles.

Or as that sicko likes to call sex with dogs: The paws that refreshes.

No slacko for Jacko
Observers said that Michael Jackson arrived at court looking ill. What do they mean Michael looked ill? If the guy was any whiter he’d be clear.

If Michael Jackson looked any sicker than he normally does he’d have to wear a black hooded cloak and carry a huge scythe and an hour glass.

Michael Jackson did not look good when he showed up at court. Just to give you an idea how bad he looked, when Michael showed at court, the judge ordered a feeding tube stuck down his throat.

If Michael Jackson looked any sicker than he normally does he’d make the Grim Reaper look like Kelly Ripa.

Again, mean
The British Government said that, if Prince Charles ascends the thrown, Camilla Parker Bowles would be Queen. In addition, Camilla would be named a pure bred by the English Kennel Club.

A hard time
A Wisconsin man is charged with having sex with cows after attending a strip club. You don’t suppose the girl who last stripped for him will get a hard time? “Hey, Brandi, did you hear Louie dumped you for a Hereford?”

You know who I feel sorry for? The farmer found out about this after he milked those cows. “Does this milk look funny to you?”

They were right
Michael Jackson has been charged with serving wine, vodka and whisky at the Neverland Ranch. I guess they were right, Michael really does wish he was Diana Ross.

Did you see Michael Jackson yesterday at court? He looked bad. But he looked a lot better today. You know why he looked better today? Last night, Jose Conseco injected his butt with steroids.

Come on out
A Pennsylvania Judge refused to marry a couple because they were first cousins. That couple should come out here to California. We’ll marry first cousins as long as they are the same sex.

Since you frickin’asked:
To steal a page from John Cusak’s (another fellow New Trier High alum, albeit a tad more successful) character in “High Fidelity” there is an art to creating the perfect workout iPod playlist.

You want to warm up but you want to start with something to get you going? My first work out song? “Funeral For a Friend” by Elton John. Plus it’s ten minutes that fly by.

You got it going now, so keep it going. Yes, this song may be too eighties, yes it may be corny, but I dare you not to get ballistic when you hear the second song:

“Top Gun’s” “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins.

We are way low on gas, Maverick, so now we got to take it down a bit.

“Hey Joe” by Jimi Hendrix. Yes, it starts out mellower, but when my man, Jimi, done up and hits that guitar solo you could go through a brick wall.

The next good jam? “Stay with Me” by Ron Wood and that blonde guy in Faces.

“Gimme All Your Lovin” by ZZ Top. Yes, it’s dated, yes it’s too Seventies, but it is a work out jammer whammer. (Did I just say jammer whammer?)

This next one is a must, ‘cause you be more mo’ tired now than a Neverland Sleepover guest the day after the Jesus Juice, so get going with “Hard to Handle” by the Black Crows.

“Up Around the Bend” by CCR because when Fogerty says “just as fast as my feet can fly” so do yours.

We knew a guy in high school named Charlie Bro. This crazy friend of ours, Art Bergman, swore that the Doobie Brothers say his name instead of “China Grove.” You tell me, ‘cause that’s the next song.

And finally, we end up with the perfect “We-are-showered-up-and-snazzy-after-a-day-at-the-beach-and-cruisin-with-the-top-down-to-an-awesome-outdoor-party song, “Tumblin Dice” by the Stones.

Once you are done, cool down to Jackson Browne’s “Call It a Loan.” Do sit ups to John Mayal’s “Room to Move.” Get a drink to Van Morrison’s “Oh, the Water.”

The only, and I mean the only problem with the blessed iPod, as I see it, is if you get too carried away.

As I have said before, the only thing that looks dumber than a guy jammin’ out and playing air guitar is a guy jamming out to air guitar to a song that nobody else can hear. When I do that, trust me, I look like I am waiting for the little school bus to pick me up in front of my house. When I do that, just go ahead and call me Warren from “Something About Mary.” (Nice pull, Mark and Tracy Snake)

You know what I’m talkin’ about, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ring out the dead
The Los Angeles Lakers have lost five in a row and their playoff hopes are dying. Now the only way Kobe Bryant will get a ring this year is if his wife goes on a trip and orders room service.

Gas prices are going through the roof. The good news for the Lakers? They can transfer their ability to suck to a gas siphoning hose.

Folks, love your pets, do not LOVE your pets
A Belgian man is on trial for having sex with dogs. He could face up to six months in jail if convicted. Of course, six months is 42 months in having-sex-with-dog-years.

That’s not the weirdest part, he had sex with the dogs people style.

A Belgian man is on trial for having sex with dogs. He could face up to six months in jail for animal abuse, immoral behavior and the lesser charge of impersonating Prince Charles.

Authorities first became suspicious when he would call the local radio station and request the song for his girlfriend: “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

No coincidence that
Hundreds of giant squid are washing up on the shores of Southern California. In a related story, Orange County and Los Angeles sushi restaurants are now offering all-you-can-eat specials.

One important bill at a time
President Bush signed a bill to keep feeding brain-damaged Terri Schiavo. And Bush signed another bill to stop the feeding of Ruben Stoddard and Kirstie Alley.

Rough times for the bad haircut
It’s been a tough week for baseball commissioner Bud Selig. He is under fire for ignoring steroids, he had to appear before Congress, and just when Selig thought things couldn’t get worse, today he came in third in the annual Janet Reno look-alike contest.

Not quite enough
The Chicago Cubs’ Wrigley Field is adding about 2,000 seats. Apparently the Cubs brass decided there just weren’t enough people getting their hopes and dreams shattered in person as it was.

Or are you hit and run?
Paula Abdul could be charged with a hit and run driving accident. When asked to comment, Abdul said; “I don’t know anything about it, but whatever happened, I disagree with Simon Cowell.”

The old days
Remember the old days when, if you said you used your Palm Pilot to Google yourself, you’d have been arrested for public indecency?

That would explain it
Some new facts are coming out in the Robert Blake verdict. It turns out the jury didn’t really find Blake innocent, they just wanted to hurry up and acquit him so they could concentrate on following the Michael Jackson trial closer.

No news is not good news
This has been an odd news week. Elton John didn’t feud with anyone and not one teacher slept with a student.

Can’t wait
The baseball season is getting ready to begin. This year everyone is excited to see who is going to throw out the first syringe.

Close call indeed
Observers commented that Michael Jackson appeared at court looking ill. Here’s my question: how can you tell if Michael Jackson looks ill? That’s like trying to determine if Kirstie Alley is retaining water.

Since you asked:
Got one of those emails that is probably an urban myth, but if it is, it’s a good one. The story about the hayseed-looking couple that wanted to donate a building to Harvard in memory of their son. When told by the snooty Harvard President what that would cost, they decided to start their own University: Stanford.

Not sure if it is true. Checked into the Stanford’s history and they didn’t sound like hicks. Their son died at 16. But who knows? I do know it ended with a great line we should all have tattooed inside of our eyelids. When I was young and cocky – like you’re supposed to be – I didn’t always abide by it, but I like to think that I have matured.

There are formerly close friends of mine – the kind of people who are always there when they needed you – that, not only didn’t follow this edict, they treated people as disposable assets, so I essentially fired them as friends. Not an easy thing for us loyal-to-the-death bred Midwesterners to do, regardless that I now reside in California.

Anyway, here it is:

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

Next time you see someone screaming at a waiter, remember this.

Saturday morning caffeine-fueled rant:

March Madness is not being kind to me. So far one of my sweet sixteen (‘Bama) and two of my elite eights are gone (Kansas, Syracuse) UCLA sucked and generally I am deader in the pool than William Shatner’s wife. (Oh, that is so wrong . . .)

I’d like to introduce a new feature to a.L.B.b that we like to call:

You know you’re a parent when:

You know you’re a parent when you yell at the top of your lungs; “Lower your voice, young lady.”

Speaking of being a parent, we had our parent-teacher conference. Since Ann Caroline is in first grade, I can see the need for a parent teacher conference. Especially now, they are teaching at such a higher level than we were taught.

At one point the teacher said “Ann Caroline is doing really with her antonyms.” Are you kidding me? When I was in first grade it was; “Alex isn’t eating nearly as many pencil erasers as he used to.”

But when we had a parent-teacher conference in kindergarten, it was a bit much. In kindergarten all you want to know are two things: does my kid eat paste? Is my kid the stinky kid?

Again, not to brag, but Ann Caroline got such a glowing review by her first grade teacher, I could veritably hear my dearly departed parents saying; “This is B.S. He should have to go through what we went through.”

Survived the Lex’s pet peeve trifecta-plus-one last night. The Soup Plantation had better food than I remembered and worse behaved kids then I expected. Folks, if your kid is screaming, take them outside. Got it?

Dancing with A.C. was fun. We did the obligatory her-feet-on-my-feet as well as the Y.M.C.A. and the “Animal House” “Shout” including getting down on the floor.
The fundraising shakedown wasn’t too bad and I only thought blood was going to come out of my ears a couple of times due to thirty little girls screaming at once. The room was hot and stuffy but I didn’t have to wear a suit or tie so I survived.

Came home to a glass of vino and TiVo’d NCAA – and besides watching Kansas hose me like a Paris Hilton blind date – it was a truly pleasant evening.

Before she went to bed, Ann Caroline came down with her face washed, her teeth brushed and in her puppy P.J.’s with a well-written “Thank you” note for taking her to the dance.

OK, whose kid is this, again?

Erin go blahhh
Yesterday, St. Patrick’s Day, is the day everything turns green. Today is the day the people who celebrated St. Patrick’s Day turn green.

How thoughtful
Michael Jackson’s former housekeeper testified that drunk boys slept over at the Neverland Ranch. In fairness, maybe Michael was being considerate? He didn’t want those kids riding their tricycles home while intoxicated.

Two time liar
Rafael Palmeiro denied using steroids to congress. Palmeiro, however, does commercials for Viagra but publicly denies that he takes Viagra. So why would we believe a guy we already know lies about using a performance enhancing drug?

Should be a law
Two women have called San Quentin prison to propose marriage to Scott Peterson. In a fair world, any women that call to marry Scott Peterson should be legally required to be given O.J. Simpson’s phone number.

How stupid do you have to be to want to marry Scott Peterson? That’s like walking into an airplane bathroom right after Michael Moore. It’s suicide.

Now, Lex, was that necessary?
Legal efforts to stop the feeding of brain-damaged Terri Schiavo failed yesterday. Here’s my question: why isn’t anyone trying to stop the feeding of Ruben Stoddard and Kirstie Alley?

It explains so much, like the mustache, for example. And those black shiny leather boots
Cinemax is producing a documentary that claims Adolf Hitler was gay. They might be right. You know why the Nazi army marched in goose step? Because Hitler was goosing them.

How can they prove Hitler was gay? Two words: That mustache.

Why do we call Adolf Hitler by his firsts and last name? If Madonna, Sinbad and Jared from Subway can be identified by just their first name, I think Hitler can.

Cinemax is producing a documentary that claims Adolf Hitler was gay. And there’s a book that claims Abraham Lincoln was gay. Personally, I’ve also suspected that George Washington was a transvestite. Why else would a guy wear a Barbara Bush wig?

Who wrote this sick, sick, joke? I want somebody’s butt in my briefcase
Some legal analysts suggest the Michael Jackson trial is getting away from the prosecution and the trial could end like a Neverland slumber party: once again, Michael will get off.

Since you asked:
As you know if you’ve read this pathetic blog, I have my share of pet peeves. We all do, right? Four stick out in my mind today. A, I don’t like the Soup Plantation, B, I don’t like to go dancing, C, and I am not a fan of children’s parties and D, I don’t like fundraisers.

Now, my daughter and wife love the Soup Plantation and that’s fine with me. I’m not saying it’s bad or that people shouldn’t go to the Soup Plantation, I just find them depressing: people desperately and greedily stuffing themselves - and their unruly kids - to try and get their money’s worth of soup and salad at a glorified trough is not my idea of fine, or fun, dining.

Why don’t I like dancing? Because I suck at it, that’s why. Besides golf, I don’t like to do things I suck at. Dancing is a wonderful thing and I admire people who can do it, I just can’t. The same goes for rock climbing and skydiving. You like it? More power to you, I don’t like sky diving or rock climbing because, being nervous about heights, I would suck at them as well. At least with dancing, when you suck at it, you don’t hurtle to your death. Usually.

I don’t like kid’s parties. (The ones at those kid gyms are OK) Don’t get me wrong, I like kids. Well, the good ones, anyway. Kids parties are always chaotic, loud and always too dramatic. And there is no wine. If you’re a friend of mine and you are hosting a kid’s party the nicest thing you can do for me is not invite me. Kids don’t like too many adults at their party so I am happy to oblige. Do I think kids should not be allowed to have parties? No. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Although I have M.C.’d my share, I don’t like fundraisers. Generally, most fundraisers are thinly veiled shakedowns, I don’t care how good the cause is. You want money? Ask for money. Don’t make me feel like a cheapskate because I don’t want to bid on the chance to stay at an annoying bed and breakfast. Maybe it’s me, but I don’t like going into the hall bathroom the next morning right after the winner of the Michael Moore look-alike contest comes out carrying the sports section. A lit match can only do so much.

So what are my plans tonight, you ask? I’m taking my daughter to dinner at the Soup Plantation and then we are going dancing at a giant kid party Daddy Daughter fundraiser dance. At least we’re not staying at a bed and breakfast.

But Ann Caroline is so excited (She has a new party dress and everything) I’m not even going to complain. (Oops, too late, huh?) Who knows? Maybe the deejay will play something from Hoobastank?

As the road manager for the Eagles, the great Tommy Nixon, once said:
“Life is just one $&#*ing thing after another.”

We got our green up in this shalizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This just in:
St. Patrick’s Day is a fun day in New York City. Everything turns green. The clothes turn green, the beer turns green, the vomit on the subway platform turns green.

I love the way, on St. Patrick’s day, how the New York cabbies get in the spirit and wear their green turbans.



By any other name
Happy St. Patrick’s Day. It is a good excuse to drink a lot and kiss strangers. Or as Tara Reid calls that: Thursday.

What a change
Did you hear what happened when members of the Boston Red Sox got a make-over on “Queer-Eye For the Straight Guy”? They turned into the New York Mets.

Do you know what would happen if Mike Piazza got a queer-makeover? He’d turn into Mike Piazza.

Getting queer makeovers can be tricky for pro athletes. Bobby Hull Jr. got a queer makeover and now he wants to be a figure skater.

Gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps got a queer makeover and now he wants to do synchronized swimming.

Knock knock. Who's there? Baretta. Baretta who. Baretta believe he got away with murder
The jury acquitted Robert Blake of murdering his wife. Asked to comment about his acquittal, Robert Blake said; “O.J. was right, if you want something done right you have to do it yourself.”

After his acquittal, Robert Blake said he had to go back to work. So this verdict was a blow for not only the Bonnie Blakely family but the entire Hollywood community in general.

Robert Blake said; “If you want to know how to go through $10 million in five years call me.” Upon hearing that, Michael Jackson called Blake and asked; “So how did you spend so little?”

The horror
Jurors were shown Michael Jackson’s DVD and magazine porno collection in court. Or as that is otherwise known: every guy’s worst nightmare.

Just one of the guys, a really freaky guy, but just one of the guys
The defense team in the Michael Jackson trial is desperately trying portray their client as a regular guy who drinks and watches girlie porn. Man, Bill O’Reilly would be their dream client.

Who knew?
A study reveals that obesity can shorten your life. That means Ruben Stoddard actually died five years ago.

Not a smart man
Jose Conseco is testifying before Congress, but Jose is not the sharpest tool in the shed. When asked if he was worried about incriminating himself, Conseco said, “No, I went to the bathroom before hand.”

Their only chance
Financially troubled Toys R Us was sold to a group of investors. To show how bad it is, Toys R Us probably won’t be solvent again unless Michael Jackson is acquitted and has a few more hit singles.

Not fair to pick on the new guys
Congress has proposed a national steroid law. Upon hearing this, the new Washington Nationals baseball team asked; “What about all those other guys? Why pick on us?”

Since you asked:

This St. Patty’s Day morning I put on my one and only green shirt, a green polo-type golf shirt. My daughter, Ann Caroline, looks at me with pity in her eyes and says, “Daddy, that’s not green. That’s turquoise.”

She’s six. I didn’t know what turquoise was until, oh, this morning.

This just in:
The jury acquitted Robert Blake of murdering his wife. Even O.J. Simpson is pissed off at this verdict.

Do you realize what this means? Given the record of California jury murder verdicts, like this and O.J. Simpson, that must mean that Scott Peterson is innocent.

Today, Michael Jackson asked if he could get the Robert Blake jury for his trial.
The moral of the Robert Blake and the O.J. Simpson murder acquittals? If you want to get away with murder in California, you have to first be a really, really bad actor. Hell, Pauly Shore could probably all of his trailer park residents and get away with it.